OTTAWA – The Ministry of Agriculture is reaching out to recent university and college graduates to fill unpaid internship positions related to the upcoming 2015 Harvest Sacrifice.
“This is an exciting opportunity, and any young man or woman would be lucky to take part,” Minister of Agriculture Gerry Ritz told reporters at a press conference earlier today. “It’s not every day you get the chance to save your loved ones for one more season by sacrificing your life on the Altar of Desolation, and we’ll also have an ‘Intern of the Year’ program to honour participants who have really given it 110%.”
The annual Harvest Sacrifice is set to occur later this summer, honouring Canadian gods Gould the Devastator, Nelvana the Dread Goddess of the Northern Lights, and the Eternal and Merciless Spirits of Mackenzie King’s dog Pat.
Ritz made clear that this work would be unpaid. “These positions aren’t difficult, so it didn’t seem necessary for us to contribute to the interns’ livelihood. But this will look great on a resumé and the health benefits are pretty good up to a point.”
Application forms have already been made available, and include questions such as “Would you like to be an organ donor?” “How do you feel about blood?” and “Are you a virgin?”
Despite some initial misgivings amongst prospective candidates, applications have poured in. 23 year old university student Shelby Dumas was an early applicant: “I wasn’t sure about signing up at first, as I have conflicting opinions about self-immolation, but I really couldn’t say no to spilling my blood to stave off drought and famine. Praise the unspeakable ones and uphold the ancient faith, you know.”
Dumas is only one of many who have applied for the positions, with many saying that this wasn’t the worst internship opportunity available.
