TORONTO – Local Rosedale resident Ainsley Williams, 33, recently received an urgent vaccination so that she can spend the summer up in Muskoka. “It’s been a tough year,” sighed Williams, fr…
Health
4 ways to justify your late night Denny’s run to the cops
Doug Ford is giving Ontario’s police the power to stop anyone and ask why they’ve left their home in order to crunch down on rising COVID cases. But don’t let that stop you from crunching d…
Moderna vaccine having bad reaction to Stephen Harper
CALGARY – A dose of Moderna’s COVID-19 Vaccine recently injected into the arm of former Prime Minister Stephen Harper says it is expecting serious side-effects. “From the moment…
Canada to distribute remaining vaccines through “Roll up the Rim to Win” contest
OTTAWA – After encountering difficulties with early vaccine rollouts, the Government of Canada has announced that it plans to distribute all remaining vaccines through a Tim Hortons “Roll U…
I got every covid vaccine. Here’s how they all taste.
The government has approved several COVID vaccines for widespread use, and lots of us are debating which one we should get. Worry no longer, because I did the dirty work for you: I got my hands o…
Local woman faces Sophie’s Choice between having secure mental health and having an orgasm
TORONTO – In a world where the only thing louder than the shrieking climax of pharmaceutical capitalism is the suffocating endemic of mental illness, one woman has to make the decision of a…
Doug Ford clarifies Yorkdale Mall still open for essential Versace, BVLGARI, and Fendi supplies
TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end…
Out of work actor lands promising role in medical study
VANCOUVER – Things are finally looking up for local Vancouver actor Timothy Brooks. After thirteen months without booking a gig in theatre, film, or television, the 28-year-old has landed …
REPORT: that makeup in your purse getting real gross about now
NATIONWIDE – As Canadians slowly prepare to re-enter society after more than a year in lockdown, scientists around the country are warning makeup users not to use the products that have been sitt…
Educated man says he’d rather die than risk dying from AstraZeneca vaccine
CAMBRIDGE, MA – University of Phoenix scholar and die-hard Facebook scroller Dr. Devan Leeland has stated he would rather die than risk dying from the AstraZeneca vaccine. “It’s really just…
