Doug Ford is giving Ontario’s police the power to stop anyone and ask why they’ve left their home in order to crunch down on rising COVID cases. But don’t let that stop you from crunching down on a classic Super Slam from Denny’s. Here are 4 ways to convince the cops that a 3 AM Denny’s run is essential work.
1. Convince them that you have been legally diagnosed with the Midnight Munchies
Inform them that this totally real, chronic condition exists by sharing the one widely discredited study that suggests humans are nocturnal animals. Plus, if they can’t stop you for hash anymore, there’s no way they can take you down for hash-browns. And if all else fails, print out a fake exemption card that claims you can break curfew for “medicinal breakfast”. If it works for anti-maskers, it can work for you.
2. Remind them of their teenage years
Everyone in the province has at least one story of getting trashed and then ending up at Denny’s, or starting off at Denny’s and ending up trashed. Try talking about that time you and a bunch of drunk theatre kids went to Denny’s after a run of Seussical. The only gang more disruptive than cops are post-show theatre kids, so five minutes of recount should have you home(fries)bound.
3. Lie that it’s your kid’s birthday
We all know that kids eat free on their birthday, and what better way to melt a cop’s icy heart than with a tale of familial duty. Of course you don’t actually have a kid, but you’re a child at heart. Those Jr. Birthday Cake Pancakes are totally you, and there’s no need to be ashamed of that. And they’re free. BONUS!
4. Make them so uncomfortable
Gaze unblinkingly into the depths of their corneas, down to their minds and further into their souls chanting ‘Denny’s Bennys, Denny’s Bennys’ at an increasing volume until you are so violently shrill that everyone in the nearby apartment buildings peek out their windows. This has the added benefit of having so many eyeball witnesses as protection from the police. Score!
That’s all it should take to get you to Canada’s favourite diner – even in a police state. So, although it’s important to remember ‘ACAB’, always keep in mind ‘ADAB’: All Denny’s Are (always-open-for) Business.