MONTREAL — Local punk and professional optometrist Riley “Pinkeye” Abraham tested a patient’s eyesight this morning by asking her to read the bottom line of a PUNTER FEST poster, sources report.
“I could get the top of the poster, no problem,” said patient Maggie Bisson. “Rancid, Frank Turner… I definitely got those ones right. Most of the stuff towards the middle was fine, too: PUP, OBGMS, Ceremony — that was all good. But the bottom stuff…I don’t know. Stuck opt Pear…maybe? The Troubles, I guess? I couldn’t tell whether or not those were right. Mostly because no one has ever heard of those bands.”
Bisson’s mother Georgia, who accompanied Maggie to her appointment, found the optometrist’s methods unorthodox and ultimately unhelpful.
“We’ve been coming to Dr. Abraham since Maggie was a little kid,” Georgia said. “But there’s got to be a better outlet for flexing your punk credibility than routine tests for nearsightedness. I have to get my driver’s license renewed next year, and I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to pass this test.”
For his part, Dr. Abraham seemed unphased by the criticism, insisting that he would continue on with his tough, new-school methods.
“When people come to me, they’re coming to a motherfucking punk,” said the doctor. “And just because I spent four years in fucking undergrad and four years in a fucking specialized medical program to become a goddamn optometrist doesn’t change that one fucking bit. If people want their eyes checked, they can read the poster or they can get the fuck out.”
At press time, several patients were attempting to decipher the logos off of several black metal bands’ album covers in the waiting room.