SURREY, BC – Shocking reports suggest that your token white friend just prepared your cultural dish and it tasted better than anything you’ve ever made, in what is being considered the worl…
Food
Man finally gets around to last month’s HelloFresh box
EDMONTON – Sources in Jason Freeman’s apartment have reported that the 28-year-old accountant is finally finishing up the HelloFresh meal kit that arrived over four weeks ago. “Jason just let the…
McDonald’s releases Big Mac Sauce-flavoured lube
Brantford, ON – McDonald’s just announced the release of its new Big Mac sauce-flavoured personal lubricant. Following the success of the Chicken Big Mac and Big Mac sauce dip, the fast-food gian…
Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”
BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people f…
Bleeding mouth man declares salt and vinegar chips are the best
WINDSOR ON – Through slightly bleeding gums and a raw tongue, Jarrod Pumpfrey declared that salt and vinegar chips are definitely the best chip flavour in the world. Pumpfrey has always see…
Health inspector fired for being a picky eater
MONCTON – Officials announced Monday that local health inspector Burt Beynolds has been let go from his position as city health inspector for judging restaurants according to his particular prefe…
Financial advisors recommend buying grocery stock instead of groceries
OTTAWA – Recent consumer data was shows an alarming majority of Canadians continue to spend their grocery budget on groceries, despite the advice of financial experts to buy grocery stocks …
Galen Weston liberates No Name brand from shackles of tyrannical price freeze
BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust …
White Guy insists on finding Chinese restaurant with “authentic” General Tso’s Chicken
TORONTO – Jeff Fisher, a local white guy, has demanded that, for his weekly dinner out with his core group of friends, they try to find a place with truly authentic General Tso’s Chicken on the m…
Local vegan confesses she can also tell food is vegan
COURTENAY, BC – A local vegan has confessed that she, too, can tell her food is vegan. Chelsea Forsythe made the shocking confession after a near decade of vigilant veganism, during which she has…