Oxford, UK — Oxford University Press, the publisher of the Oxford English Dictionaries, has announced it will be replacing all words with ideograms and smileys to make the massive, descript…
Culture
New Star Trek series vows to disappoint old and new fans alike
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After this Monday’s announcement that CBS would be producing a new series of the popular franchise Star Trek, executives are now allaying worries that the new program …
Daniel Craig loses Bond role after his new tan deemed “too dark”
LOS ANGELES – The author of the latest Bond novel has called for Daniel Craig to be fired after arriving to the Spectre premiere with a tan he believes is “too dark” to properly represent the cha…
Man born with giant paper-maché head ready for another Halloween
SURREY, BC — After a year of self-imposed exile, Daniel Gauthier, a man with a strange and rare genetic condition, plans to emerge from his home. Every October 31st, Gauthier, who was born …
Erotic novel really overestimates appeal of euphemism ‘porking’
CALGARY – Critics of Marie Montgomery’s latest erotic novel, Angela’s Awakening, have unanimously agreed that the book suffers from an overuse of the verb “porking” to describe the act of m…
Dozens of Disney employees set free during latest release from the Vault
BURBANK, CA – More than 40 Disney employees who had been declared missing since Feb. 10. were discovered today during the Diamond Edition re-release of Aladdin, having been trapped in the D…
CRA to tax ‘exposure’ income by actors
The Canada Revenue Agency has announced a new category of tax remittance for actors, comedians, improvisers, and other types of performers to pay dues on the vast sums of attention and future opp…
Student cut from high school musical ‘Oliver’ fulfills life-long promise to destroy the arts
OTTAWA — A former grade nine student has successfully carried out his vindictive wish in cutting arts programs across the country, a vow made in 1973 after he was cut from the lead role in …
Heckler at stand-up comedy show punished by having to watch improv comedy show
WINNIPEG – After repeated rude and crass outbursts at the stand up comedians performing on stage local man Ronny Waldston was removed from the Chuckle Hut mainstage and forcibly sat at the …
Local man deeply offended that you aren’t caught up on any of his favourite TV shows
TORONTO — What started as an innocent conversation with a coworker about last night’s Emmy Awards quickly spun out of control when, sources say, you provoked the scorn and derision of…
