TORONTO – At a press conference held at Kennedy Station, TTC CEO Andy Byford announced a bold new strategy to improve weekend subway service by using actual trains instead of buses. “This is the …
Hipster alcoholics excited for return of softball season
TORONTO – With the start of community softball, trendy drunks are once again rejoicing at being able to get hammered in public with total immunity. “I bought new cleats and a flat of Red Stripe b…
Pillar suspended for two games for Presidential language
TORONTO – Toronto Blue Jays centre-fielder Kevin Pillar has received a two game suspension for using the repugnant type of language the current President of the United States might use. Pil…
Local couple excited to invest time and money into pathetic garden
MONTREAL – As the seasons turn from frosty to fresh, Karen Monahan and Peter Hogeu are preparing to yet again begin work on their pitiful excuse for a garden. “I love getting my hands dirty…
Police confirm driving while shame eating on the rise
TORONTO – After a citywide blitz by the Toronto Police, over one hundred people have received tickets for operating a vehicle while eating their emotions away. “Sadly it has become all too common…
Hero cat saves couch by barfing on carpet
MISSISSAUGA – The Ryan family cat, Cupcake was awarded the household medal of bravery after saving their brand new sectional by vomiting on the carpet instead. “At first I thought it was a hairba…
Quiz – Are you an obsessive person? Click a lot of boxes to find out!
Life can get pretty chaotic and sometimes the only thing that you can control is your obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Take this quiz and find out just how “in control” you really are! Sour…
Man researching meditation really going through something right now
VANCOUVER – The growing obsession of local man, Jeremy Moore surrounding meditation and mindfulness has prompted many to believe that he’s seriously stressed the fuck out. “I knew something…
Ben Carson hopes to improve urban areas with Atlantic triangular trade initiative
WASHINGTON D.C. – United States Housing and Urban Development Secretary, Ben Carson announced a new plan to bring work to US cities based on an influx of unpaid “immigrants”. “This country …
Breaking: Yes you did forget to lock your front door, idiot
SIX BLOCKS FROM YOUR PLACE – Reports are confirming that the nagging feeling that you left your door unlocked is 100% correct and that people will soon be robbing the place blind you moron. “But …