GUELPH, ON – Research done by girlfriend scientists at the University of Guelph has uncovered that nearly all food is far too hot and/or spicy. The study involved the tasting of hundreds of…
CP24 to begin broadcasting entirely without audio
TORONTO – Local broadcaster CP24 has announced that, beginning next week, it will air all broadcasts with no sound or noise of any kind. “We noticed in our audience research that the vast m…
Local dad still doesn’t know how to operate Father’s Day gift
MISSISSAUGA – Danielle Norstrom has confirmed that after hours of “shouting and carrying on” the 2 terabyte portable media player and hard drive that their son Derek, 23, gave to her husban…
World Cup stadium labourer in Qatar wishes he could also resign
DOHA – Following the resignation of FIFA president Sepp Blatter, Bangladeshi migrant worker Sumon Saha announced that he would like to be able to do the same thing and leave his job buildin…
Victorious NDP dump barrel of crude on Rachel Notley
CALGARY – NDP staffers gathered around the newly elected Alberta NDP premiere Rachel Notley to celebrate her momentous underdog victory by pouring a barrel of fine crude over her head. “We fought…
New Toronto police chief carded on way to swearing in ceremony
TORONTO – On the way to his own swearing in ceremony, newly installed chief of police Mark Saunders was stopped and questioned by Toronto police. The married father of four was “crept up on…
Man lives in Moose Jaw of his own free will
MOOSE JAW, SK – Sources report that Greg Abbott, 36, recently moved to Moose Jaw as a personal choice, done without any sort of coercion. “I like it here,” said the inventory manager, who m…
WIND Mobile chairman still unaware of demotion due to poor signal
TORONTO – WIND Mobile chairman and former CEO Anthony Lacavera is still unaware that the company’s new ownership group has moved him into a greatly diminished honourary position due to the …
Canadian special forces train Iraqis how to camouflage combat operations as training missions
BAGHDAD – Members of Canada’s elite JTF 2 are busy training Iraqi soldiers in how to disguise combat operations as training missions in a base outside of Baghdad. “We are teaching the Iraqi…
Unpaid intern in charge of organizing $100,000 staff party
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Sources inside DHP Logistics Ltd. report that unpaid intern Steve Daniels, 26, is organizing the company’s annual, $100,000.00 holiday soiree “This will be a great opportun…