OAKVILLE, ON — Waiter Mark Graham shocked staff and patrons at local fusion seafood hotspot Gastropod over the weekend when he obligingly poured out a sample of the restaurant’s cheapest wine. “U…
Mom successfully convinced ashtray is for guest use only
WINDSOR — Crisis was averted over the weekend when local cashier Jennifer Pratt successfully convinced her mother that the ashtray in her living room is for guest use only. “Usually I’m meticulou…
Alley behind church unholiest place in town
INNISFIL — A recent survey of local satanists has revealed that the alley behind St. Barnabas Catholic Church is officially the unholiest place in town, edging out the slaughterhouse, the abandon…
Upscale cookbook assumes you can afford food
VANCOUVER — Celebrity chef Walton Fisch is facing widespread criticism for his latest cookbook, Fresh Fisch, which assumes its readers can afford to buy food. Virtually every recipe in the book c…
Unworn shirt just happy to be part of vacation wardrobe
WINNIPEG — After failing to make it out of the hotel room on a recent trip to Honolulu, insurance broker Dave Watt’s paisley button up shirt says it’s just happy to be part of the vacation wardro…
Man with exposed brain tissue still not convinced he needs to see doctor
TORONTO — Local mechanic Jason Pringle is refusing to seek medical attention after sustaining a severe head wound that has left a portion of his brain exposed. “It’s nothing, really. I’d just be …
Crazed pescatarian won’t stop until she tastes the flesh of every known sea creature
SARNIA — Local pescatarian Chelsea Duke has vowed to taste the flesh of every known sea creature, and authorities warn that she should be considered armed and dangerous. “Ms. Duke is believed to …
Sick fuck prefers middle seat
TORONTO — An Air Canada flight to Orlando was grounded Thursday after it was revealed that a sick fuck on board actually requested to sit in the middle seat. “When I asked if he’d mind switching …
Beer that tastes like sweat wins brewing award
FREDERICTON — New Brunswick microbrewery Weasel Belly Ales has won the 2022 Liquid Innovation Prize for developing a new style of beer that experts say tastes like sweat. The winning brew, a pale…
Hybrid work model feels more like an indica
BURLINGTON — Following the introduction of a back-to-work schedule that requires staff to be in the office three days a week, employees at local startup Spinjack Digital say the new hybrid model …