REGINA, SK – Local school teacher Max Hammond is concerned that if one of his students doesn’t start focusing more in class, they will miss out on being forcibly led to adopt a more left-wi…
Moderna promises new vaccine will increase the likelihood of pointless debate
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Pharmaceutical company Moderna has released a statement guaranteeing their new COVID vaccine will both decrease people’s chances of contracting the virus while boosting the …
Scientists determined to find what’s killing all the bees so it can be used to kill all the wasps
OTTAWA – Conservation experts and entomologists across the globe have announced they will be putting more effort into determining the cause of bee population declines around the world, so i…
Canadian wins gold at World Police and Fire Games for 50 metre evidence plant
WINNIPEG, MB – Last weekend the World Police and Fire Games saw Officer Michael Dooley of Vancouver set a new record for the 50-meter Evidence Plant event. “I’d never seen anything like it.…
Doug Ford clarifies Strong Mayors are the ones that can lift him
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has expanded on the “strong mayor” powers he gave certain municipalities earlier this year, stating they only apply to mayors who …
Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane
VANCOUVER – Cetologists at the Canadian Institute for Marine Biology Defence have observed an unsettling new trend in the behaviour of killer whales; preparing to attack an airplane and fea…
RCMP wonders how evil they’ll be in another 150 years
OTTAWA – After celebrating their 150th anniversary, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have started to wonder what level of unspeakable villainy they will be able to achieve after reaching t…
Toronto Goodwill asking people to stop donating Leafs jerseys
TORONTO – The regional board of Goodwill Industries has taken to social media to ask residents of the GTA to please stop leaving Maple Leafs jerseys in their used clothing bins and donation…
Doug Ford promises new Science Centre will be more accessible to dumb people
TORONTO – Ontario premier Doug Ford unveiled his plans for a new version of the Ontario Science Centre, which he claims fixes a critical flaw in the attraction; that it requires too much in…
Owners of gold stolen from Pearson expected it to be lost by baggage services anyways
TORONTO – A statement from a representative of the owners of the $20 million dollars worth of valuables stolen from Toronto Pearson claims that the victims were expecting the goods to be mi…
