MONTREAL – Air Canada has issued a statement on its latest scandal, calling the complainants “a bunch of pasty-faced fucks” who “couldn’t board a plane if it was parked up their own assholes” as …
Disheveled Trudeau announces national strategy for lowering price of frozen dinners
OTTAWA – A rumpled Prime Minister Trudeau has unveiled a bill that will forcibly bring down the price of microwaveable lasagnas, frozen chicken strips, and Kraft Dinner, among other depressed bac…
Blue Jays pair ‘Jr. Jays Sundays’ with ‘Dour Childless Mondays’
TORONTO – To supplement the Toronto Blue Jays’ family-oriented Sunday afternoon games, the organisation has announced that Monday night games will now be marketed at depressed, childless singles …
Study finds severe health consequences from drinking even one glass of paint a week
VANCOUVER – After years of advising the public to limit their paint drinking, scientists are now suggesting Canadians should avoid the consumption of paint entirely. “Groundbreaking new research …
Canadians looking for entertainment during actors’ strike desperate enough to briefly consider CBC Gem
TORONTO – The Screen Actors Guild has joined the Writer’s Guild of America in striking, halting the vast majority of Hollywood’s output and leaving Canadians so desperate for entertainment that e…
“The fury of Ra washes over us, and only through sacrifice can He be appeased,” Environment Canada reports
OTTAWA – Lo, the heavens tremble and punish man for his hubris with a calamitous wave of scorching heat capable of rendering our souls from our body and casting them into the shadows of the Duat,…
Furtive deviant enjoys cold glass of forbidden summer eggnog
CALGARY – According to confidential sources, Jordan Sharpe* has poured himself a tall glass of summer eggnog, despite the risk of harsh judgement from friends and neighbours. (*name changed for h…
Report: Boyfriend wants to try something called “platypus style”
CALGARY – Local sources state that Martin Walsh is hoping to add some excitement to his relationship by convincing his girlfriend to do it platypus style. “We’ve been in a bit of a rut lately,” W…
Canada hits 40 million people, 40 available houses
OTTAWA – The federal government has announced that Canada has hit a major landmark, as a 40th house came onto the market just as the national population reached 40 million. “When Canada was found…
