NORTH AMERICAN CITY – After a hard-fought series that went [number] games, the Stanley Cup has been awarded to [team], a victory by the [favourites/underdogs] that many analysts [predicted/failed…
Pussy-whipped loser can’t even go one night without asking the cops to find his missing wife
REGINA – Pathetic beta male Greg Sharpe is completely humiliating himself by asking the police for an update on his missing wife every single day. “We keep telling Greg to kick back, have a coupl…
UCP under fire for running UCP candidate with UCP policies
Lacombe, AB – After United Conservative Party candidate Jennifer Johnson compared transgender students to feces baked into a cookie, the UCP is facing criticism for selecting a candidate who endo…
Danielle Smith spotted on campaign trail with “Holocaust analogies = BAD” scribbled on her hand
EDMONTON – After apologising for comments made on a 2021 podcast that compared vaccinated Albertans to the followers of Adolf Hitler, Premier Danielle Smith has been doing her best to avoid simil…
CIBC unveils new “Pauper’s Grave” retirement plan
TORONTO – In an acknowledgement of the financial struggles many Canadians are facing, CIBC has announced a new investment plan to help customers scrape through lives of quiet desperation until th…
Rogers Centre renovations include private nook where fans can tell Blue Jays mascot everything they can’t say to their dad
TORONTO – As the Toronto Blue Jays play the 2023 season’s first home games, fans are enjoying several offseason additions to the Rogers Centre, including a new bullpen bar, a large family play ar…
Pope decrees that every Friday is a Good Friday when you’re hanging with your buds
VATICAN CITY – Supreme Pontiff Pope Francis has marked the holiest week on the Christian calendar by reminding Catholics worldwide that it’s important to kick it with your pals. “On Good Friday, …
Man finally gets around to last month’s HelloFresh box
EDMONTON – Sources in Jason Freeman’s apartment have reported that the 28-year-old accountant is finally finishing up the HelloFresh meal kit that arrived over four weeks ago. “Jason just let the…
Alberta’s six consecutive emergency alerts trial run for potential Danielle Smith re-election
EDMONTON – The Alberta Emergency Alert system sent Albertans several phone alerts in rapid succession today, as part of a stress test in-case Danielle Smith wins re-election in May. “Many Albert…
Report: Red Deer the Boston Pizza of cities
RED DEER – An extensive investigation by the United Nations has concluded that, among all of Canada’s cities, Red Deer, Alberta is the one that most resembles the country’s iconically mediocre ch…