OTTAWA – According to sources in 24 Sussex Drive, Justin Trudeau was taken aback after learning that Rishi Sunak, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has called a July election despite some…
Toronto women’s hockey team already choking at an elite level
TORONTO – In a collapse worthy of the Maple Leafs, Toronto’s PWHL team has been eliminated from the playoffs after blowing a commanding 2-0 series lead in their best-of-5 semifinal against Minnes…
Maple Leafs begin search for new scapegoat
TORONTO – The Maple Leafs have fired head coach Sheldon Keefe after another first round exit, beginning a search for a new shmuck to blame the franchise’s larger problems on. “While we appreciate…
Canucks fans denied viewing parties vow to riot and destroy property from the comfort of their homes
VANCOUVER – No official outdoor Canucks viewing parties will be held in Vancouver during the NHL playoffs, prompting angry fans to make due by drunkenly smashing their own possessions. “I have fo…
Passion play using distractingly hot Christ
OTTAWA – The passion play produced by Ottawa’s St. Francis Xavier Church has drawn attention and controversy this year by crucifying a total stud, according to aroused sources. “Dang, I see our L…
TikTok ban could force thousands of influencers to contribute to society
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States House of Representatives has advanced a bill that could ban TikTok in America if Chinese parent company ByteDance refuses to sell its ownership stake, a move …
Alberta to opt out of dental care, pharmacare, renewable energy, the wheel
EDMONTON – The Alberta government has announced its intention to opt out of Ottawa’s proposed public pharmacare program, curtail renewable energy projects, and “ditch the elitist wheel in favour …
Canada to honour Brian Mulroney with week of raised GST rate
OTTAWA – In response to the death of Brian Mulroney, Canada’s 18th Prime Minister, the government has announced the nation’s GST will be doubled for one week. “The flags will go down, and the ta…
Dog wearing Raptors jersey doesn’t even know what any players smell like
TORONTO – Hardcore Raptors fans have had it and are calling out Glenn, a young English bulldog, for his phoney basketball fandom. “Glenn is such a poser,” said superfan Colin Ford. “He owns three…
International Court of Justice rules that Israel must bomb civilians more humanely
THE HAGUE – In a preliminary ruling on South Africa v. Israel, the International Court of Justice has decreed that Israel must bomb civilians in the Gaza Strip with more care and compassion. “Wh…