OTTAWA – Back Bench Conservative MP Andrew Scheer is reportedly furious that he never thought of “doing a coup” after the 2019 election the way Donald Trump is currently trying …
Trudeau excited to discover what old-timey nickname Biden will give him
OTTAWA – After calling President-elect Biden to congratulate him on winning the election, Prime Minister Trudeau is said to be looking forward to Biden bestowing upon him a fun nickname tha…
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
Every four years Canada and the world get to nervously watch while we wait to see what fresh hell the United States will unleash upon the world. But given America’s unique (aka a product of slave…
World offers to buy U.S. special present if it doesn’t re-elect deranged fascist
NEW YORK CITY – At a special meeting of the full United Nations, the countries of the world came together and resolved to buy America a “pretty cool gift” if it chooses not to r…
Study: 90% of Canadians unable to say name Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and louder
TORONTO – A new study by the University of Toronto has found that, thanks to radio and tv jingles, the vast majority of Canadians are unable to say the name of cloth merchant Fabricland wit…
White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing they’re the good guys
Pubnico, NS – The group of fishermen who have been waging a campaign to stop Mi’kmaq fishermen from exercising their treaty rights to engage in lobster fishing are confident that if t…
Pizza Pizza to start delivering gross slice you only buy because it’s 2am and you’re drunk
TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they …
TTC tells riders who want physical distancing to only ride the Sheppard line
TORONTO – After telling riders physical distancing “will no longer be possible” on its vehicles, the TTC has clarified by pointing out that riders will easily be able to maintai…
“Trump is finished” declares man who thought Trump couldn’t win in 2016
VANCOUVER – After a detailed analysis of the latest polls and several visits to fivethirtyeight.com Martin Kilroy has announced his conclusion that Trump will definitely lose the 2020 elect…
Kindergartener hoarding crayons to make great landlord one day
TORONTO – Little Braydon Humphries, 4, a precocious kindergartener with a penchant for taking all the crayons for himself has already been pegged by his teacher as someone who will definite…
