EDINBURGH – Continuing her trend of making proclamations about her characters’ personal lives, Harry Potter author JK Rowling announced this week that her titular boy wizard voted “remain” in the…
7 Millennial job-hunting strategies that aren’t just lying down and waiting for death to take you
The job market sure is depressing these days – from growing automation, to the gig economy, to the inevitable climate change apocalypse that will render everything you do meaningless anyway. But …
‘I won my office Oscars pool’ brags man with not much going on
SASKATOON – Reports indicate local man Jeremy Huang has spent most of the day bragging that he correctly guessed the winners of 20 out of 24 Oscars categories last night. Huang announced his vict…
Kingston residents shocked to discover terror plot not the fault of Queen’s students
KINGSTON – After a local teen was arrested on suspicion of a terrorist plot, residents were baffled to discover the incident had no apparent connection with Queen’s University or its students. “Y…
White friend claims dreadlocks part of their cultural tradition of looking like a dumbass
St. Catharines, ON – Local white friend Caitlynn Matthews says her traditionally-Black hairstyle doesn’t count as cultural appropriation due to her family’s long-standing custom of looking like t…
Scheer to follow awkward Christmas message with very awkward Valentines message
OTTAWA –- Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer has announced he will top his uncomfortable 2018 Christmas message to the nation with an even squickier video set to be released on February 14th. Acco…
Report: Facebook pretty much just pet obituaries now
TORONTO – A new report released by the University of Toronto suggests that 90% of recent Facebook posts are messages of love for recently deceased domestic animals. The social media site, once va…
Ontario PCs pass resolution to only recognize the two genders: folks and elites
TORONTO – At their party convention this weekend, Ontario Progressive Conservatives passed a resolution concluding that there are only two genders: hard-working, business-owning, mortgage-paying …
Ford announces new Ontario license plate slogan “washrooms are for customers only”
QUEEN’S PARK – Shortly after unveiling Ontario’s new “Open for Business” border signs, Premier Ford has announced that the province’s iconic “yours to discover” license plates will be discontinue…
Polls indicate Toronto mayoral frontrunner is Doug Ford wearing John Tory’s face as a mask
TORONTO – As residents head to the polls this morning, all signs suggest that the city’s new mayor is likely to be Doug Ford wearing John Tory’s face as a mask. Polling data suggests the Ford-Tor…