TORONTO – After the success of Presto, their automated payment method, the TTC has unveiled their newest innovation: PrestoGold, a special, invite-only card for public transit’s creme de la…
Facebook intentionally leaks billions of embarrassing personal details to show you aren’t perfect either
Menlo Park, CA – Social media giant Facebook announced today that they’ve intentionally leaked billions of its users embarrassing personal failures in an attempt to show the world that, hey…
Doug Ford promises to replace Liberal sex-ed curriculum with shoe box full of naked Barbies and GI Joes
TORONTO – After weeks of campaigning to repeal Kathleen Wynne’s inclusive sex-ed curriculum, Doug Ford has unveiled his replacement plan: a shoebox filled with nude Barbie and GI Joe dolls.…
Doug Ford promises to bring blue-collar manufacturing jobs back to Ontario’s robots
TORONTO – Progressive Conservative leader Doug Ford outlined his plan to fix Ontario’s manufacturing sector, bringing hundreds of thousands of jobs to the province’s rustbelt robots. “Manuf…
New and improved Google calendar now automatically reschedules your dentist appointment eight times
Mountain View, CA – Tech giant Google has unveiled a highly anticipated update to their calendar app, letting it automatically reschedule your dentist appointments so you don’t have to. “Wh…
Vancouver attempts to lower housing prices with series of neighbourhood dejuvenation projects
VANCOUVER – After years of struggling with an inflated market, Vancouver is taking drastic measures by using a campaign of dejuvenation projects to decrease housing prices in the city’s mos…
Iditarod favourite suffers heartbreaking loss after getting flat dog on last mile
ALASKA – Champion musher Joar Leifseth Ulsom suffered his worst loss ever after leading the entire Iditarod field until the final mile, when a stray nail deflated his front-left malamute. “…
Ontario PCs elect drug dealer to replace sex criminal
TORONTO – After this weekend’s hard-fought leadership election, the Ontario Progressive Conservative party has proudly announced that they’ve elected Doug Ford, a former drug dealer, to rep…
Trudeau returns from UK visit with British accent
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau has returned from a trip to England only to shock Parliamentary observers with his new, fully-formed British accent. “My dear, whatever do you mean?” said Trudeau in…
Vatican City Olympic team stripped of medals after testing positive for performance-enhancing God
PYEONGCHANG – The Papal Olympic team is mired in controversy after a recent IOC test revealed the entire team has been using banned celestial beings during the 2018 Pyeongchang games. “When…