BURLINGTON, ON – Ignoring their shared dread, local couple Sarah and Aiden Hillson, 31, announced plans Thursday to bring a new human life into the world, despite a nagging foreboding that …
Billionaire with doomsday bunker wants you to know AI great
PALO ALTO, CA – Artificial intelligence promises a bright future filled with ease, innovation and abundance, according to one of the several billionaire tech CEOs who has spent hundreds of …
Alberta separatist arguing in the comment section definitely real and not CIA
CALGARY, AB — During a wholly organic social media exchange, users grew increasingly frustrated at the strident Alberta separatists from an account named @TruePatriot382 who, sources say, i…
Alien civilization blocks humanity after receiving unsolicited nudes
DEEP SPACE – Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of h…
Intellectual instantly creates opinion from headline
THE INTERNET – Not letting irrelevant distractions like nuanced reporting or context interfere, a local free thinker on Twitter was able to demonstrate superior intellectual ability today b…
No one at Blue Jays game wants to be there
TORONTO – After arriving at the Rogers Centre for yet another grinder of a baseball game, sources report that literally no one attending the Blue Jays game today- including players, staff,…
Humpback whale unable to stop herself from eating delicious, delicious plastic bags
THE GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH – Stuffing her fifth one that day into her mouth, a local humpback whale found herself unable to stop eating those delicious, delicious plastic bags scattere…
Everyone at nude beach hideous
HANLAN’S POINT, ON – Exposing as much skin as humanly possible to the wrinkling effects of the sun’s ultraviolet rays, sources close to the situation at the clothing optional beach at Hanla…
Trump congratulates Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of UK
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reacting to a photo of Boris Johnson on a muted TV this morning showing, President Donald Trump called to congratulate actor Gary Busey on becoming Prime Minister of the …
Report: Millennials average net worth only 8000 likes
CALGARY, AB – Surveying the livelihood and stability of adults born between 1982 and 2004, a report released today has concluded that the net worth of the average millennial is only 8000 li…
