HOUSTON, TX – After splashing down in the middle of the Pacific, NASA’s Artemis II capsule returned to Earth after a successful ten-day mission to bring the moon back to Earth.
The mission objective to collect and return with the celestial body recently gained popularity on Earth, with political pundits insisting the moon must be acquired “to keep the economy strong”, while social media users broadly agreed and posted sentiments like “lol we want moon!”
Since being split apart in a collision shortly after the start of the Solar System, it is the first time that the Earth and moon have been reunited as one planetary body.
Canadian astronaut Jeremy Hansen said, “For too long our planet has been divided, not along political lines, but split between planet and satellite. Today, we bring unity back to our planet and put the moon back where it belongs: here, crashing directly into the Earth.”
After traveling nearly 400,000 km, dropping a tether, and towing the moon back to Earth, Artemis II returned home with the moon re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere at nearly 25,000 km/s. This has caused mass panic and heating of the Earth’s atmosphere to thousands of degrees Celsius, leading to an impact that has exposed Earth’s core, raining lava over what remains of our formerly-hospitable planet.
Trevor Kjorlien, a space educator from what was once Montreal, reacted, “The moon has forever been the object of fascination and imagination for humans. What Artemis II has done, and what I find remarkable, is that it’s brought human spaceflight and the moon back into the spotlight, closer to us than ever before. Probably too close.”
Despite the catastrophic re-emergence of the moon into Earth’s atmosphere, President Trump was quick to announce on Truth Social “No other president was strong enough to steal the Moon! It BELONGS TO ME, and all the other NATO losers don’t get to have any of TRUMP’S MOON. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Astronomers speculate that the new planet formed by the combination of Earth and moon should re-solidify within the next million years as it slowly cools from a glowing ball of molten rock and vaporized oceans. Social media has been active with potential names for this new planet including “Super Earth”, “Earthy McEarthface”, and “OFWHWD (Oh Fuck What Have We Done)”.
NASA also announced that the upcoming Artemis III mission, originally scheduled for mid-2027, will be delayed until Florida returns from several hundred kilometres above the surface.
