OTTAWA – In an effort to prevent any more defections from caucus, party leader Pierre Poilievre has reportedly locked all Conservative MPs in an undisclosed room in Parliament Hill before swallowing the key.
“I’m doing this because this party is not in trouble at all and I need every single one of you to stay,” a wild-eyed Poilievre shouted to a captive caucus, fresh after swallowing the metal key. “And while I’m sure absolutely nobody else was going to leave, or cross the floor, or resign, I’m doing this just to be safe.”
Critics outside of the party are expressing concern for the 143 Conservative MPs currently held captive without access to a washroom. But for those Conservative MPs who are still communicating with journalists via non-confiscated phones, like Deputy Leader Melissa Lantsman, everything is apparently “totally fine.”
“We’re just one big happy family,” Lantsman told reporters over the phone in a stilted tone that indicates reading off a hastily-scribbled hostage note. “Sure, every family has infighting, but not us Conservatives. This is just a team bonding exercise, designed to reinforce our commitment to the party and its leader who we all love so much.”
Former Conservative MP Chris d’Entremont, who recently crossed the floor to join the Liberal party, has meanwhile expressed gratitude that he “got out there before Poilievre pulled this kind of shit.”
While some argue that this move to forcibly retain Conservative MPs might only last until Poilievre eventually passes the key, others insist there’s nothing stopping the leader from just swallowing the key again “just to make sure it stays in the party.”
At press time, Poilievre was seen tacking up boards on windows after he saw one MP looking outside.
