OTTAWA – Following the re-election of US President Donald J. Trump, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau immediately suggested that now might be a great time to step down as Liberal party leader and let someone else have a crack at it.
“While I have enjoyed my time as Canadian PM, and seemed extremely confident about leading my party in another election, I’m just saying retirement also suddenly looks like a great option,” explained the PM, his eyes glued to CNN election coverage.
“I’m sure whoever succeeds me will take equal pride in leading all Canadians, as well as sitting through awkward state dinners with a convicted felon and sex offender who somehow has control of a nuclear arsenal,” Trudeau added, while using his phone to google ‘rich people vacation spots’.
“Someone else can deal with 100% tariffs on every damn thing Canada sends over the border. Trudeau out.”
While Trudeau had planned to run the next election campaign on a promise to reform immigration policy and build more housing, Liberal insiders report that their leader’s current plans involve kicking back on lucrative corporate boards and never having to guess whether shared Five Eyes intelligence would be sold to North Korea for $100k and a Trump Tower lease.
Though observers had expected PM Trudeau to remain as Liberal leader despite record low poll numbers and calls from his party to step down, few are expressing surprise at his sudden decision to “get the fuck out of dodge”.
“I’d definitely forecasted that Justin Trudeau would stay on through the next election, aiming to eke out a slim win despite overwhelming odds, but as of November 6th that narrow victory seems more like a punishment than anything else,” explained U of T Political Science professor Jasmine Hawkes.
“I’d love to answer your Trudeau question, but I live pretty close to the border and right now I’m figuring out how to immigrate to Portugal,” noted CBC Political Pundit Howard McMullan.
At press time, Trudeau was seen shuddering as he recalled the last time he had to “shake hands with those creepily small fingers”.
