CALGARY – According to friends and family, 37-year-old Jason Rowe is absolutely churning through Goosebumps books in a desperate attempt to hit his 2023 reading goal.
“I told him 50 books was too ambitious,” said Rowe’s girlfriend, who comfortably hit her target weeks ago. “But he was all ‘I love reading’ and ‘It’s just a book a week!’”
Rowe said that while the first few weeks of 2023 saw him steadily complete a series of mysteries and thrillers, he soon found himself bogged down in a more serious title.
“I never should have tried to read Moby Dick,” Rowe admitted. “I wanted to get a famous classic under my belt, but slogging through it set me back weeks and weeks, and then I insisted on finishing it even though it would have been way smarter to just cut my losses and move on.”
Rowe then got distracted by family obligations, summer patio weather, and his efforts to “catch up on Young Sheldon.”
“By the time my book club chose Infinite Jest I was ready to throw in the towel,” Rowe said. “But I’m a man of my word, goddammit, and I intend to keep the sacred vow I made to Goodreads.”
After digging through used bookstores and his parents’ basement, Rowe was able to assemble a library that would allow him to power through dozens of books in the waning days of 2023.
“Some people would say I’m cheating, but R.L. Stein’s work is deeper than people give it credit for,” Rowe said. “Take The Horror at Camp Jellyjam. The kids think they’re going to a normal summer camp, right? But then it’s an evil summer camp. Their faith in adults is shattered. That eventually happens to every child, and Stein understood that.”
“Meanwhile, Beware, the Snowman is about a really fucked up snowman. But in a way, aren’t we the messed up ones? It makes you think.”
At press time, an increasingly desperate Rowe had put aside Goosebumps in favour of the oeuvre of Dr. Seuss.
