CAMBRIDGE, MA – Pharmaceutical company Moderna has released a statement guaranteeing their new COVID vaccine will both decrease people’s chances of contracting the virus while boosting the likelihood they will get sucked into a meaningless argument about vaccination.
“Our new vaccine has been engineered not only to protect against the new variants of the virus but to be extra controversial thanks to a new key ingredient: medical science,” CEO Stéphane Bancel said in the statement.
“With this medication, you have 95% increased protection from the virus and 100% chance of your uncle saying something ignorant on Facebook.”
Health Canada was quick to approve the new vaccination, which they think will give the country a much-needed boost in bickering levels.
“Since mid-2022, Canadians have seen a drop in COVID argument variants such as Loud Arguments, Misinformed Debates, and Disingenuous Fights,” said Dr. Melinda Ryder, a consultant for Health Canada’s COVID Squabble Control Department. “But this new vaccine could see us return to Freedom Convoy levels of rancorous discord.”
Side effects of the new vaccine include swelling, soreness, and being contacted by that one guy from high school who only reaches out to you to tell you something he saw on the Joe Rogan podcast.
If your post-vaccination debate lasts more than 4 hours, experts recommend contacting a rational friend immediately.
Canadians can book their vaccine appointments online at 4chan, Reddit, and MMAforum.com.
