TORONTO – Researchers at the University of Toronto have concluded that life in Canada and around the world began going downhill when Swiss Chalet replaced the Toblerone bar with Lindt chocolates.
“Throughout the 20th century life steadily improved for people around the world in terms of economic success, social acceptance and rotisserie chicken,” said analyst Karl Hardstark. “But then in November 2000 Swiss Chalet announced that instead of a line of triangle prisms made up of chocolate direct from the Alps, Canadians would only get some chocolate balls in different coloured wrappings and everything went to hell.”
“Sure George W. Bush becoming president and 9/11 happening accelerated the process, but it was the Toblerones that did it.”
Despite other incidents that experts thought may have precipitated the long decline the Western World has found itself in like the Oklahoma City bombing, the Lewinsky Affair or the cancellation of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?, the study found the psychological impact of the chocolate change was the true tipping point.
“I remember the shock when I finished eating 2500 calories worth of chicken, fries, bread and cranberries, and then realizing that I wouldn’t be getting a full size Toblerone to take home. That was the day i lost my innocence,” said Tyler Wilson of Toronto, who was 28 in 2000.
Some hope that convincing Swiss Chalet to restore the Toblerone festive special would halt our descent into madness, but Hardstark isn’t so sure that will do it.
‘We’ve fallen so far. At this point they’d have to go full M&M peanuts to have any effect.”
