MOOSE JAW, SK – Sources report that Greg Abbott, 36, recently moved to Moose Jaw as a personal choice, done without any sort of coercion.
“I like it here,” said the inventory manager, who maintains he did not move to the town of 35 000 under threats of violence or as part of a witness relocation program. “It’s nice.”
Abbott was adamant that he was not “insane”, and had not “lost the will to live.” He also said that while work was something he had to consider in moving to what passes for a town, it was not “the primary factor” in his decision, adding: “I was just visiting here initially, and once I saw it, thought it would be a good place to reside.”
City officials have taken notice. “This is the first time this sort of thing has ever happened here,” stated mayor Debra Higgins in a scrum outside of a building that officials claim is City Hall and not a garbage dump beside a sewage treatment plant. “My colleagues on council and I are obviously going to be monitoring this situation very closely.”
“Our research has shown that there is no reason to currently live in or visit Moose Jaw unless one is ordered to do so by the Canadian Forces,” said Professor Marla Stevenson of the University of Saskatchewan. “And I don’t even know why they would order anyone to do that. Repeated studies have shown there is nothing worth defending there.”
Abbott’s move has raised eyebrows among local law enforcement, but not suspicion. “In three years on the beat at this detachment, that’s certainly the strangest thing I’ve heard,” said RCMP Constable Nick Ricardo as he waited outside his supervisor’s office to apply for a transfer. “I guess it just goes to show that human beings can endure anywhere.”
“Yep, this is pretty great,” remarked Abbott, as he stared wistfully out at his lame ass street from his sad sack Moose Jaw home. “Definitely a step up from that North Battleford shithole that I’m from.”
