SALT SPRING ISLAND, BC – The British Columbia government is considering updating the province’s tsunami warning system, which consists mostly of New Age white people sounding their Tibetan singing bowls strategically located in public parks and gardens along the Pacific coastline.
Since 1973, dozens of holistic thinkers and free-spirited bohemians volunteered to get out a calming message to all residents to seek higher ground in the event of an impending catastrophe, but the spiritual alarm has started to age. The province opted not to have loud sirens installed since it could have disturbed pods of local orcas. According to one emergency official, a text messaging alert system was also deemed inadequate because “people have to get out of their heads and off their phones, and into nature, man.”
People like Peace Indigo Love-Sparrow, a matted-haired WWOOFer who came to Salt Spring Island in 2008 and never left, is a member of this intricate, purely metaphysical alert system which is supposedly capable of detecting massive tidal waves given how in touch they are with nature.
“When people hear the warning call echo from park, they will know the force of Mother Nature is imminent,” said Love-Sparrow, who was holding the brass bowl while standing in tree pose. “She is angry. She is fierce. My brothers and sisters must listen to the wind carefully and possess deep inner strength before moving into their emergency lotus position.”
Love-Sparrow advised that residents should have at least 72 hours worth of organic sea kelp, fair-trade ginger tea, and turmeric and honey facial masks in the event of an evacuation.
