MONCTON – Sources indicate that your friend, local data processor Jason Murray, has once again urged you to follow his lead and buy a slow cooker – the third such incident in the past month.
At approximately 9:05pm, over wings at the Pump House Brewery and Restaurant, eyewitnesses report that Murray once again launched into a lengthy endorsement of his recently-purchased slow cooker. This, despite no one else at the table having mentioned slow cookers or kitchen utensils whatsoever all night.
“It’s so cool to be able to just dump ingredients in the slow cooker and go to work, then come home to a delicious meal all ready to go,” enthused Murray in a testimonial remarkably similar to the one he gave last week at Jacob’s party.
Sources report that Murray has become a self-described “slow cooking fiend” since purchasing his own device on impulse after reading a Buzzfeed listicle at 3am. In the ensuing 45 days, Murray has not missed an opportunity to mention slow-cooked chilli or to insist that you come over for ‘fall off the bone slow cooked ribs.”
Members of Murray’s household confirm that no ribs have been slow-cooked or consumed.
“I keep telling Jason, I already own a frigging slow cooker,” said your friend Amy Palmer, 28. “My grandma got me one for Christmas 6 years ago and I have yet to take it out of the box, but Jason still keeps going on and on about something called ‘overnight oatmeal’.”
“Shut up about the goddamn slow cooker, Jason,” added Palmer.
Reports indicate that the slow-cooker conversation, which seemed to be coming to an end, has been extended thanks to Rajvir asking, “But is it safe to leave food out all day?”
UPDATE: Following another ill-advised online shopping binge, Jason Murray is now your friend who keeps telling you to buy a juicer.
