CANADA – After weeks of relentless cold, the nation wondered today whether local man Jake Bryans still thought Winter was “The best season”, and also whether he thought it would be fun if all 35 million of them wrapped their hands around his stupid goddamn throat and choked him until he stopped talking about how great it is during this clearly godforsaken time of the year.
“I’m glad that he likes how quiet it gets when there’s new snow on the ground,” said the city of Calgary. “Do you know what else would make me glad? Killing him. Literally killing this son of a bitch with my hands.”
Sources inside the country say that Bryans gets this “smug fucking look on his face” whenever he talks about how the cold “doesn’t really bother him all that much”, and wonder aloud whether or not it would bother him that much to catch a baseball bat in his dumb idiot teeth.
“I swear to god, if I hear the phrase “stark beauty” come out of his useless mouth one more fucking time, I will blind him by hitting him in the eyes with a length of chain,” said New Brunswick.
Scientists say that the sound of grinding teeth could be heard over 100% of the nation’s landmass when Bryans intimated that he found power outages “fun, because you get to explore what life was like before technology”, and that the sound of fists clenching and unclenching reached “potentially harmful decibel levels” when Bryans talked about how “cosy” he was in his new down-filled jacket.
“I love it when you can hear the cold wind just howling through the barren treetops,” said Bryans with the kind of shit-eating grin that just seems to invite a set of knuckles. “I don’t usually catch colds, either. Just lucky, I suppose.”
This is not the first time that the nation has longed to club Bryans’ “fucking lights out with a shovel”. Just last month, Bryans professed his love of public transit, telling anybody who would listen that,
“I love it when the train is late, it gives me time to think.”
