TORONTO – With the start of community softball, trendy drunks are once again rejoicing at being able to get hammered in public with total immunity.
“I bought new cleats and a flat of Red Stripe beer”, said Joshua Roberts, a 32-year-old softball enthusiast who also goes by the nickname Rehab Roberts. “All I need now is my team of friends and work colleagues to get shit faced in front of.”
A new Statistics Canada report states that adult softball enrollment has been growing ever since getting blackout drunk while coaching first base became socially acceptable. This gain in popularity also coincides with the number of police calls for property damage and public nudity.
“It’s all part of the game”, remarked Sarah Whitlow as she dusted off her glove, which also contains an artisan flask knitted inside. “Last year I lead the team in OBP [On Base Percentage] as well as PNR [Puke And Rallies.”]
Mayor John Tory advised that his administration supports this infantilized debauchery, commenting at a press conference at city hall, “These young adults show that good sportsmanship is not about winning our losing. It’s about wearing retro jerseys and getting sloppy in our city’s beautiful ball parks.”
At press time the nation’s adult kickball/soccer baseball teams had run out of apple juice.
