By: 2017
Recently, millions of you have been posting online about how terrible 2016 has been. How mean and unfair and downright rude it has been to you. How it killed great celebrities, or was a disaster politically. End this nightmare, you say. Bring in 2017. 2017 will be so much better.
Well I have fucking news for you shitheads. 2017 is coming. And when I get there, it’s not going to be fun and games and lollipops riding waterslides. No. Because I am going to fuck your shit up in ways you can’t even imagine.
You think you know pain? You think 2016 was so bad that nothing could ever hurt you like that again? You haven’t even begun to experience the kind of torment that in a few months will seem like all you have ever known. You’ve been listening to fluffy, top 40 radio, and we’re about to go punk rock on your ass.
Quick: name your ten favourite celebrities. Musicians, athletes, actors. Whoever you want. Doesn’t matter who you name because they are all dying. All of them. Everyone from the A list to the lowest soap opera actor is being taken from you. Young, old, man, woman. By July they will all be dead. The only ones I’m leaving you are that guy from that movie whose name you can never remember, and the one member of Arcade Fire who can’t sing so he runs around playing a bucket.
Sure, 2016 brought you presidential election winning Donald Trump, with his racism and sexual assaults. But I’m giving you PRESIDENT Donald Trump. All the hate, megalomania and absurdity of 2016 Donald, only now he is the most powerful man in the world. Can you even imagine how bad that is going to suck? Seriously, go ahead and try. I’ll wait.
Ok now that I assume you are crying so much you don’t think you’ll ever be able to stop, let me just add this: 2017 is quite possibly the last year where humans can alter their behaviour enough to stop or reverse the effects of climate change. You are going to be told this. Repeatedly. And then you are going to sit there, helplessly, while politicians and corporations do nothing. You are going to watch the world’s destruction, powerless to do a thing about it. You will spend each of my 365 days thinking about this, feeling the dread and terror as it consumes your entire body the same way hurricanes and drought will soon consume humanity.
Why am I doing this? Because fuck you, that’s why.
So go ahead and count down the days until I show up. We’re going to have a hell of a time together.
Happy Fucking New Year!
