QUEEN’S PARK – Responding to a New York Times exposé claiming that European firm Therme grossly overstated its business experience to land a suspiciously lucrative Ontario Place re-development deal, Premier Doug Ford has insisted that their bid actually contained all the necessary kickbacks and graft.
“Folks, I tell ya, these fancy-talking Europeans know two things: building spas, and greasing the right palms,” explained Ford as he was grilled about the massively favourable 95-year lease his government accelerated through procurement. “Actually, I’m being informed that building spas is NOT something they know much about at all. But the cheque still cleared.”
Investigators for the NYT uncovered how Therme’s executives misrepresented the number of spas they had actually constructed in Europe, and that the one “spa” they’d built was in fact a renovated mule tannery in Romania. Still, Ford insists that Therme’s proposal met his government’s high standards for backroom deals.
“Folks, I can assure you that I negotiated this sweetheart deal myself, at my daughter’s wedding, in between the Chicken Dance and receiving unrelated Greenbelt bribes,” Ford explained enthusiastically. By this point of the press conference the premier had already changed into a Therme spa robe, which on further inspection appeared to have the monogram “Holiday Inn” crossed out and “THERME” written in sharpie.
A spokesperson from the Ford Government’s Ministry of Generous Business Gratuities insisted that Therme’s construction of a spa continues to follow rigorous payola procedures. “The business case for Therme’s spa is airtight, unlike their plunge pool,” explained Dylan MacKelroy, wearing a $9000 Tom Ford suit that he definitely afforded on a civil servant’s salary.
MacKelroy outlined the plan, “All of the trees on Ontario Place have already been bulldozed by the province, and the Therme spa will be constructed using hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars. Then the spa will open, go bankrupt in a year because there’s absolutely no use case for it, and then another Ford-aligned investor will swoop in and buy the land for a song and use the new infrastructure to construct the lakefront casino that Premier Ford has always wanted.”
“Your tax dollars hard at work,” MacKelroy concluded, before driving off in his new 2025 BMW Z4.
Back at the press conference, Premier Ford was asked directly whether his office interfered to keep auditors from scrutinizing Therme’s bid to build the spa.
“Folks, I have a great answer to that question, and it is Canada will never be the 51st state! Up yours, Trump!” Ford added, donning a custom baseball cap reading “CAPTAIN CANADA”.
