TORONTO – Local tax accountant Arthur Nowak has reported being unable to tell whether the city’s long-anticipated influx of Taylor Swift fans has begun, or if this is just regular Thursday morning traffic.
“I’ve been sitting on the Gardiner for the past 3 hours on my commute in from Oakville, which honestly seemed pretty fast,” explained Nowak, as his Honda Accord sat in standstill traffic on the 8-lane highway.
“If Ms. Swift’s concert is going to make traffic even worse than this, I may have to start sleeping in my office.”
With Taylor Swift bringing “The Eras Tour” – her sold out smash hit live show – to Toronto, many like Nowak have grimly noted that the hundreds of thousands of fans descending upon the city could hardly make traffic worse.
“I feel like I’ve been training for this traffic jam my whole life,” noted Nowak, as he restarted the same Barstool Sports podcast for the third time on his commute. “Do your worst, Tay-Tay. We’ll see who breaks first.”
To prepare for the Eras Tour dates, Toronto city officials have offered commuters advice ranging from “plan alternate routes” to “quit your job and shelter in place”. Despite this, several commuters on the Don Valley Parkway have also been unable to detect any appreciable difference in the regular volume of Toronto traffic.
“Maybe the concert starts tomorrow; today’s ride isn’t half bad,” noted home inspector Lisa Phelps, from behind the wheel of her idling Ford F-150. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna grab a quick nap before traffic starts moving again.”
“I’m stuck in bumper to bumper traffic just outside the Rogers Center, like usual,” noted physician Anya Singh, of Hamilton. “So if this actually is the Taylor Swift day, at least I might get to hear some of the concert from here.”
At press time, the Taylor Swift concert’s start has been postponed as the singer’s limousine is stuck behind a TTC construction delay at Queen and Yonge.
