HALIFAX – Nova Scotians have found themselves in a celebratory mood today, as citizens celebrate their annual local custom, Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day, a tradition dating back to the founding of the province.
“Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day just perfectly encapsulates what it means to be Nova Scotian,” exclaims Sydney resident Meredith Sosa. “Sure, Peggy’s Cove and high-masted schooners provide iconic images, but they’re nothing compared to the sight of a lobster fishing boat smashed to pieces on the rocks because a freak storm buried the lighthouse under a thick layer of snow, ice, and snapped power lines”.
Pausing to wipe away the sleet that had managed to seal her eyelids shut, Ms. Sosa proceeded to share photos of her neighbours engaging in a traditional WTFDALH Day holiday meal of potato chips and pepperoni sticks. She then immediately took her leave to lie down, after a sudden barometric pressure change gave her a blinding migraine.
Elsewhere in Canada’s Ocean Playground, software developer Chris Thomas agrees. “My family’s personal Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day tradition is taking the kids out to shovel the driveway”. According to Thomas, the traditional shovelling instills valuable Maritimer science lessons. “By shovelling, kids learn it’s impossible to actually shovel the driveway because, despite the sub-zero temperatures, the snow and ice somehow included an inexplicably large about of water, turning the accumulated precipitation into an amorphous blob of semi-sentient moisture that swallows men whole. After that, they learn what a coronary looks like.”
Thomas also began to describe a traditional Nova Scotian Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day experience – namely stepping out into bone-chilling cold to clear your front steps, only to be forced to strip down to a t-shirt as you tested the limits of your heart five-minutes later, when a sudden gust of hurricane-force winds blew him out to sea.
Anthropologist and Historian Calvin Arnold spoke of the ancient origins of Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day. “Indeed the oldest Aboriginal writings we’ve uncovered in the province is a brief set of runes asking ‘What am I doing here? Why are you reading this? Are we both just nuts’?”
Arnold also notes, “The Icelandic sagas include a passage where Leif Erikson and his crew leave their settlement in Newfoundland to explore further south, only to immediately turn back after concluding that the limited sunlight in the North is far preferable to none at all. We believe that was the first Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day.”
Reached for comment, the Nova Scotia legislature announced that this year’s Why The Fuck Does Anyone Live Here Day traditional prayer has been changed from “If this was Toronto they’d send in the military” to “Please, God, just send in the military and kill us”.