BURLINGTON, ON – Penny Collier, 31, recently claimed to some international friends that “springtime in Canada is so beautiful”, clearly not remembering the endless months follow…
Tag: winter
Yellowjackets tells harrowing tale of Americans trying to cope with Canadian winter
VANCOUVER – The Vancouver-shot television show Yellowjackets has returned for another highly anticipated season and audiences are clambering to watch the horror that will unfold as a group …
Four tips for mental wellness that don’t do shit because it’s dark at fucking 4pm
It’s important to do everything possible to stay ahead of the winter blahs, especially as the long nights drag on and January’s icy grasp makes you want to leave this frigid mortal coil. Luckily,…
Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow
VANCOUVER — In a shocking turn of events, Vancouver city officials have announced the city may soon be making the landmark purchase of a second snowplow. Residents of the usually mild-weathered …
“My fucking back!” reports nation
OTTAWA – Reports from homes across the nation have indicated that they’ve hurt their back shovelling snow once again. “God dammit, my fucking back,” said Keith, David, Ste…
Local cellphone loves lying about how much battery is left
KITIMAT, BC – A cellphone owned by local Elaine Jorgensen takes great delight in deceiving its owner in how much battery power remains by shutting off at the worst time possible, regardless…
Opinion: How do we know for certain that the yellow snow isn’t lemonade?
BY CAMERON BUCKET Hear me out: I was strolling through the park, on one of my daily walks, when I passed a snow bank covered in yellow stains. Common sense told me not to eat the yellow snow. But…
Shovelling snow found to be number 1 cause of Canadians muttering ‘fuck this fucking shit’ over and over
OTTAWA – A new study indicates that the biggest cause of Canadians repeatedly exclaiming ‘fuck this fucking shit’ is shovelling snow. “Of all the frustrations that plague …
Study: Every winter Canadians complain that every winter Canadians complain about the winter
OTTAWA – A new study has found that, for every three complaints expressed about winter, one complaint has been made about said complaints. “It’s like it’s their first winter ever!” said one…