As Israel continues to bombard Gaza, causing the deaths of thousands of civilians, you may be wondering how to properly protest without causing a huge scene or bothering people just trying to enjoy a black tie gala. Well fortunately we’re here to help you out. Here are some surefire tips on how to protest without doing anything anyone will be offended by or even notice.
1. Don’t interrupt public events!
These people are just trying to enjoy a night out while honouring the person who wrote the book everyone pretended to like the most. Does it offend your very soul to see people enjoying cocktails and filet mignon as children are dying? That’s irrelevant.
2. Start every protest with a lengthy denunciation of Hamas
No matter how much your disavowal of Hamas goes without saying, how about saying it again and at great length (preferably so lengthy that you never get around to criticizing Israel’s military policy at all!) Remember, if anyone arrives part way through the denunciation you have to start again.
3. If you see a politician out in public, leave them alone
4. Don’t gather in too large numbers
Large crowds are intimidating and tend to block traffic. Try to stick to 20-30 people max.
5. If your parent’s favourite comedian/travel show host tries to rip down your signs, let him
We know this is unlikely but still worth remembering.
6. Tell everyone walking by it’s ok if they “just can’t handle” paying attention to this story right now
Mental health is so important. We’re sure the dead children would agree.
7. Instead of protesting in-person, do it over zoom!
Then only the people who want to hear your message will have to. Plus you can play fun jackbox games like you did at the start of the Pandemic.
8. Realize you’re wrong
Maybe the most effective protest against Israel is realizing that Israel is actually right and you’ve been supporting terrorists this whole time. Did you ever think about that?