BRAMPTON, ON – As Sikhs across Canada look forward to 2023’s Vaisakhi celebrations, volunteers in Brampton are hastily preparing in anticipation for one of their communities most cherished traditions: The yearly flood of pandering politicians.
According to Brampton resident Gurkaran Cheema, recent events have made this year’s celebration especially meaningful. “COVID really put a damper on things” she says, “Vaisakhi is a particularly special day for Sikhs in general, but, especially here in Brampton, it just wasn’t the same without a bunch of old White guys, who otherwise wouldn’t come within 20 miles of the place, wandering around and shaking hands. When you throw in the fact that we’re headed for a municipal election, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel as strongly that I exist”.
To go along with large scale tasks like decorations and parade route planning, many residents are preparing to handle the influx of legislators with much more personal adjustments.
Harmeet Singh Ahluwalia of Glidden Road says that he will be training himself to suppress laughter. “I appreciate and admire any non-speaker who would put in the effort to say something in Punjabi, but, honestly, just imagining Doug Ford trying to choke out ‘Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh’ gives me the giggles”.
Relatedly, local bookmakers are seeing opportunities with a possible visit from Mr. Ford, granting odds of twenty-to-one that the Premier will open his speech with “Happy Hanukkah”, and four-to-one that he makes at least two references to “Jonny Quest”.
Volunteers include Duleep Kaur Sandhu who is practicing self-restraint. She says “Lots of politicians means lots of reporters, which means training myself not to snap when I explain that my ‘sari’ is actually a salwar kameez. I’m also practicing not smacking anyone in the face when they express surprise that I was born in Canada”.
Meanwhile, proprietor of a popular clothing retailer, Aman Gill, has advice for any representative who might have questions about what to wear. “There’s no required uniform, you can’t go wrong with dressing comfortably” he says, “Seriously, a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and I promise you no one will complain. I’m looking in your direction, Justin”.
Mr. Gill says that there hasn’t been this much political buzz since Stephen Harper visited the area to campaign against gay marriage. “Nothing makes you feel more accepted than politicians suddenly caring what you think when they want to repress a different marginalised community. I can’t wait to see Poilievre explaining that as a Sikh I’m apparently required to hate ‘wokeness’, whatever that is”.
He continues, “You might think that Surrey, BC, home of the largest celebration, is actually a better spot for political outreach, but Sikhs have been there for so many generations that they’re almost regarded as normal people. As a result, most of the White people you see at their festivals actually want to be there, which means the only outside attention they get comes in the form of newspaper articles tacitly suggesting that they’re all terrorists”.
Sandhu adds that it wouldn’t just be politicians of European ancestry who will be descending upon the community. “I hear Tim Uppal is being feted with a plaque commemorating the record amount of time he’s spent on camera behind the party leader. I hope he gives a speech, I’m excited to hear what he sounds like”.
Reached for comment, Jagmeet Singh’s office says that the NDP leader will not be making any special appearances and will instead celebrate the occasion in a more “traditional” manner, by sleeping through the morning and visiting a local gurdwara some time in the evening when there’s more parking.
