“We here at Zellers know one thing – online shopping is yesterday’s news,” exclaimed Zellers CEO Clem Ferkis. “Sure, our nationwide chain of stores largely disappeared from the Canadian landscape over 10 years ago, principally put out of business by online retailers like Amazon. But the past is the past!”
The Zellers CEO continued, “We are confident that Canadian shoppers are eager to put down their laptops and phones and tablets, leave their homes, drive to a physical location, find parking, and then choose from a limited selection of merchandise.”
Ferkis added, “Besides, do they have cute animals like Zeddy the bear on the internet? I don’t think so!”
Despite online shopping numbers increasing in recent years, executives at Zellers remain certain that Canadian shoppers will flock to their brick-and-mortar locations.
“I’m confident that Canadians are nostalgic for the days when Zellers was the most popular retailer in the country that wasn’t Eatons or The Bay or Sears,” explained Marketing Director Brendah Spurling. “We here at Zellers think constantly about that decade, and how to turn back the clock to it!”
“I mean, what can a person even buy online?” Spurling added. “No seriously, what can you buy? I keep asking my grandchildren to show me, but they refuse.”
Meanwhile, Zellers insiders remain bullish on the future of the in-store shopping experience. “If there’s one thing I’m certain of in the year 2023,” notes Zellers CFO Randy Fong, “it’s that Canadians feel amazing about shopping in a crowded, marginally-ventilated department store surrounded by dozens of strangers.”
With Zellers execs confident that online shopping is “officially donezo”, they are also announcing the return of another staple of the brand: the in-store Zellers restaurant.
“Shoppers will be lined up to eat at Zellers’ famous restaurants,” added CEO Ferkis. “I mean, unless they’ve also invented a way to use your phone to order food delivered directly to your house.”
At press time, Zellers execs are exploring options for including in-store video rental locations inside of their upcoming shops.