VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia Faculty of Science report that the only thing that loves you without question feels the same way about tonguing its tuchus.
The experiment, dubbed Project Rosebud, started by ruling out anything that may love us as much as our canine companions. “First, we eliminated the obvious”, explained Dr. Ana Vasquez, Head Researcher. “We interviewed parents, partners, that kindly old teacher who saw your potential… and none of those chumps came frickin’ close!”.
“After months of study, we were forced to admit that dogs, the kitchen sponge of the animal kingdom, are really the only thing we’ve got.”
Across the nation, dog owners responded to the news with horror. “Listen, I know I’m not perfect”, said Todd Green, dog owner. “But I like to think I’m more appealing than a dog’s literal asshole… right?”
Also concerned by the results, the team then set out to find something, anything, too horrible for the one thing that’s happy you’re alive.
“We introduced canines to a number of variables, including garbage, puke, and puked-up garbage, but nothing worked,” stated Vasquez. “Not even when we got two schnauzers to recreate that scene from Lady and the Tramp, but with a used tampon instead of spaghetti.”
Ultimately, Vasquez and her team confirmed that dogs love all disgusting things equally, a phenomenon they dubbed “Stank’s Constant”.
“I guess all that matters is that my furbaby loves me”, continued Todd, as he pulled a used diaper out of his yorkiepoo’s mouth. “Even if that furbaby’s brain lights up like a Christmas tree the second she tastes human urine.”
As well, Vasquez and her team remain positive. “At this stage, we have to embrace the results”, announced the researcher. “Like the apple connected with Newton’s head, tongue met anus to remind us that, as long as you’re not an asshole, we’ll look the other way when you lick one.”
In other news, researchers at the U of T concluded that cats love you just as much as they would love killing you. Like, right now.
