TIMIŞOARA – The 2022 Transylvania Olympics, which invites “hale and sanguineous” athletes from around the world to compete in Romania, has concluded with only the silver medalists appearing at the closing ceremonies.
“The gold medalists must be sleeping off their post-celebration hangovers, and the bronze babies no doubt slunk home in shame,” said Canadian cyclist Leon Piper. “At least we showed up to represent our nations.”
The Olympics, held on the grounds of historic Castle Nosferatu, included both traditional events and regional sports like garlic dodging and rhythmic cape twirling. Local athletes largely dominated the latter, but the Romanians were let down in aquatics after they all refused to cross the water.
American silver medalist Chelsea Simon was impressed by the strict rules. “This medal means a lot to me,” said Simon. “Some competitions don’t take the prospect of doping seriously, but the Transylvanians ran countless blood tests to screen out cheaters.”
“The volunteers were also very safety-conscious. They kept suggesting I lock my silver medal in the hotel safe so it couldn’t be stolen. I couldn’t resist wearing it, but I’m glad everyone was looking out for me.”
Over a thousand athletes were invited from around the world to compete, several hundred of which are now missing under mysterious circumstances. Some of those still available to the media had mixed views of the competition.
“There were definitely a few quirks,” said German shot-putter Jan Dreher. “They cancelled the javelin event, I guess because they’ve had safety issues, and no one was allowed to display religious symbols, which must be a holdover from the Soviet days. And they insisted every event had to take place at night, which was challenging, but as competitors we have to respect local customs.”
“I hope Dreher returns next year,” said local athlete Count Malus von Orlok. “He definitely has what it takes to win gold. He looks so virile and… I believe the English word is ‘delicious.’”
At press time, Dreher was struggling to find a mirror to see how his medal looked on him
