NEW YORK – This weekend, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred held an emergency meeting to discuss how the league could reignite viewer interest in the intensely long and excruciatingly slow-paced sport of baseball.
“Our viewership is dropping. We’ve made some extreme moves to speed up the pace of play: shortening the break between innings by 20 seconds, limiting the number of mound visits to a measly 5. But most people are still not willing to spend 3 hours after a long day at work or during their precious 48 hour weekend to tune in to 162 games a season,” lamented Manfred. “Maybe we could tighten up the pants?”
A study commissioned by the MLB found that the league could increase viewer excitement by having players spend more time running, hitting the ball, or catching the ball and less time standing around, chit chatting and choosing a walk up song.
These suggestions were condemned by the MLB Players Association, who asserted that there was no way the players could finish an entire bag of sunflower seeds if they indulged in more than 30 seconds of physical activity per game.
While many young people have ditched America’s pastime in favour of the more-exciting games of basketball, soccer, hockey, football, golf, rugby, cricket, volleyball, Formula 1 for some reason, darts, cycling, tennis, table tennis, and/or Wii bowling, baseball’s marathon length and byzantine rules make it a favourite among total nerds.
“I think the games should be longer,” opined Blue Jays season ticket holder Gerry Johnson, “Baseball’s about more than passion. It’s about more than excitement. It’s about statistics.” Johnson sighed, “My dream game is a double no-hitter. Not a single baseball hit all game. Now, that would be real excitement.”
At press time, the Blue Jays have reached a new audience by rebranding their games as “Buck Martinez ASMR”.