AUSTIN, TX – Infowars founder Alex Jones has entered his defense in the $150 million lawsuit filed against him by Sandy Hook parents, claiming he’s never heard of Infowars and is, in fact, being portrayed by a crisis actor.
The right-wing conspiracy theorist and off-brand brain supplement addict entered his plea in a Texas courtroom on Wednesday. “Infowars never happened!” announced Jones, yelling every word at the top of his voice. “The whole thing was staged! Just look at me — do I strike you as an actual human being?!”
Jones is back in civil court to pay damages to the families after losing four separate defamation cases last year. The families are seeking $150 million from Jones, who has long claimed that the school shootings at Sandy Hook were false-flag operations to scare people into voting for gun control, perpetrated by deep state actors using Hunter Biden’s laptop to turn frogs gay.
“There is no way somebody made millions of dollars saying that those 20 kids and 6 teachers didn’t really exist!” said Jones. “Can you imagine the kind of pain that would bring those poor families? What kind of a heartless piece of shit would do something like that!? THAT CAN’T BE A REAL THING!”
Legal experts suspect Jones may face perjury charges after the civil trial for making statements in court that contradict official records, including financial documents that show how much he’s profited from spreading misinformation about the tragedy.
“Those aren’t deposits, they’re props!” screamed Jones into his lunchbox during cross-examination. “Alex Jones doesn’t exist! I know because I’m not me! DO YOU EVEN DESCARTES!? NOGITO ERGO SUM’T!”
Although a large judgment against Jones is expected, it could be the least of his worries. “These deep state judges are probably the same people that ran ‘pizzagate’ for Hillary,” said Jones. “So if you find any child porn in my phone, THAT WAS DEFINITELY PLANTED!!!”