L.A. – Consumer reports indicate that BMW and Tesla are still the top vehicle choices for wealthy pieces of shit.
“BMW has historically dominated the trust fund douchebag demographic,” said analyst Laurie Demarcus. “But ever since these cunts figured out that by driving a Tesla they could also add an element of smug superiority to their terrible driving, the competition has been fierce.”
“Every car company wants the rich assholes because they always buy the useless dealer upgrades and usually total their car within two years, requiring a new purchase.”
Each company has announced plans to improve their performance with this coveted demo. BMW cars will now come with a tailgate control option that will allow drivers to automatically ride the bumpers of everyone in front of them. Teslas will no longer have turn signals but will have a giant mural of Elon Musk painted on the side of every car.
“We have to win. If BMW isn’t the car of corporate lawyers with Coke problems or teenagers with rich parents and Coke problems then what even are we?” Asked one BMW employee.
BMW and Tesla aren’t the only cars locked in a battle for a specific consumer sector. Honda and Lexus continue to compete for the illegal street racing consumers, while Dodge and Chevy battle for the racist grandpa audience.
Of course no one has emerged to contest Mercedes dominance with the most valuable market of all: suburban soccer moms with wine decals having affairs with their son’s karate instructor.