With about 10% of the population saying they will not get vaccinated against the deadly COVID-19 virus, we here at The Beaverton have decided to follow every other media outlet in Canada and do our own sympathetic portrayal of an anti-vaxxer, giving them national coverage to spew their debunked conspiracy theories.
So without further ado please meet Shannon, who has chosen not to get the vaccine. Shannon works in HR, loves to play tennis and has two adorable children: Jackson, 5 and Skylar, 3. She is also, and we can’t say this strongly enough, just the absolute fucking dumbest.
“We just don’t know what the potential outcomes of this are going to be. No one has done any kind of research into the long-term effects of these mRNA vaccines,” said the woman who can never remember which is the pepper and which is the salt, no matter how many times the difference in holes is explained to her.
Here is the part where we point out that in fact mRNA vaccines have been studied for decades. But it doesn’t really matter because we included her quote above and that’s all any people debating getting the vaccine are going to remember anyway. Alright now back to this 1/3rd of The Three Stooges.
“Also I had some sniffles back in October that were probably COVID. So now I have the antibodies and there is no point in me getting the shot,” she added. Jesus fucking christ.
As Shannon continued to say things about Bill Gates and growing third eyes we could not help but wonder how we had gotten here. Why were we profiling this idiot as opposed to say, a team of scientists who could explain how mRNA vaccines work? Were the hundreds of thousands of views (generating nearly 3 dollars in advertising revenue) really worth it? But then our editor yelled at us to pay attention so we snapped back and Shannon was still talking. Of course she was.
“it just seems like Health Canada and the vaccine advisory board are sending mixed messages,” she concluded, even though both of their messages has been some variation on the theme of ‘get the shot you fuck. People are dying!’
Shannon then left to take her kids to a large indoor gathering that probably shouldn’t be happening. And we started researching new career opportunities. Maybe it’s not too late to go to law school.
