By: Agent 361
Hi, I’m the agent who’s been assigned to monitor your every move since you received your covid-19 vaccine and, to be frank, I’m bored as shit.
When your file first came across my desk, I was ecstatic – dazzled by the possibility of gaining unfettered access to your every move and thought. You see, I’ve been tracking you for sometime, first via the Wi-fi rays in your home and then by the 5G tower I installed on the roof of a nearby high rise.
My boss, Bill Gates, assured me there’d never be a dull moment with this new initiative. Oh how you’ve proved us all wrong.
Your inability to do even a single interesting thing is astounding. Day in, day out, I sit dead-eyed at my monitoring station and pray for even a crumb of activity. Last week, when you briefly scrolled through a pet adoption site before closing the tab and went back to clicking between the same three social media apps, I was practically on the edge of my seat.
You were supposed to spend your days doing actually interesting things that the government/shadowy cabal of rich paedophiles that create the vaccine would be interested in knowing, like going somewhere, talking to someone, or buying something. At the very least, I thought the chip might do something cool like make your blood glow in the dark or make all the cutlery fly out of the drawer and stick to you.
The planet’s top minds didn’t spend decades designing a microchip small enough to be injected into the skin without detection to watch you make plain unbuttered noodles for the third night in a row.
When I took this job, I assumed I’d be assigned multiple case files to observe like a highlight reel. Had I known I’d be locked into a Truman show situation with a man who’s idea of a fun night is eating an entire box of Triscuits and watching the Golf Channel, I never would have signed the life contract.
If there was an office betting pool of who had the most boring client, I’d clean up.
What hurts most is that after spending a gruelling day watching you do fuck all, I have to sit helplessly as you post a long winded (and poorly written) facebook post about how the “global elites” are now monitoring your every move to sell data.
Global elite? I make $15 an hour and have to clock out every time I use the washroom. Furthermore, I doubt the CIA is particularly interested in the countless hours I have archived of you watching The Real Housewives of Potomac.
I am begging you, please, do something. Go to a friend’s house, download Duolingo, learn a trade- anything. It’s not just me who suffers from your mundanity. I’m also vaccinated and starting next week, they’ll be assigning an agent to monitor me monitoring you.