“Good God, I’ve been surviving on rainwater and grubs for 4 years,” explained the star of White House Down and 21 Jump Street. “Didn’t anyone ever think to come looking for me?”
“Also, what year is it? And how was the box office for Kingsmen: The Golden Circle,” added the silver screen hunk before being whisked away for desperately needed medical attention.
Despite being a near-constant fixture of American cinema throughout the mid-2010s, from blockbuster fare like GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra as well as critical darlings like the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caesar!, Tatum has spent the last 4 years completely absent from any major releases due to being trapped at the bottom of a very large, very dark well.
“I was just dancing sexily on the edge of this well, and fell inside. Didn’t anyone find it weird that they hadn’t heard from me in 4 whole years,” said the surprisingly still-jacked beefcake.
“Holy shit! Channing!” exclaimed Brad Smarks, Tatum’s longtime agent at UTA. “I just assumed he was off on a really long shoot or rehab or something. I guess I could’ve tried calling once at all in 4 years, but on the plus side this could really help to position my boy to replace James Franco in the upcoming 127 Hours sequel, Another 127 Hours.”
While Tatum has generally been described as a charismatic performer and welcome on screen presence, many movie goers have expressed incredulity at the amount of time he spent out of the public eye and trapped at the bottom of a dank, musty well.
“What, no way? I just saw him in that thing with James Bond and Kylo Ren. Logan Something,” said movie fan Martin Blacksmith, referring to the 2017 Steven Soderbergh crime comedy Logan Lucky. “There’s no way we all forgot about him for 4 whole years. What does that say about us as a society?”
“I just assumed he got cancelled or something,” suggested online movie blogger Amy Kremps. “But now that I hear it out loud, trapped at the bottom of a well for 4 years makes way more sense.”
“I blame Chris Hemsworth,” explained self-described “Magic Mike fanatic” Doreen Keough, of Edmonton. “I should have noticed that my precious Channing was missing, but then all these new hunks came along and diverted my attention. Were it not for Jason Momoa’s pecs, we could’ve rescued Channing in 3 years, tops.”
Following his miraculous and much-belated rescue, Tatum has announced the creation of the non-profit outreach group RFAWANJTABFTIBAATATBOW, or “Rescue For Actors Who Are Not Just Taking A Break From The Industry, But Are Actually Trapped At The Bottom Of Wells.”
At press time RFAWANJTABFTIBAATATBOW has announced the discovery of Daniel Day Lewis who has also been living at the bottom of a well for the past 4 years, though intentionally in preparation for an upcoming role.