WASHINGTON D.C. – With Ontarians roundly criticizing Premier Doug Ford’s failed COVID-19 response, many were surprised to see leading American newspaper The Washington Post publish an Op-Ed about the situation, titled “Who The Fuck Is Doug Ford?”
“We, the editors of the venerable Washington Post, are asking the question ‘Who or what the fuck is a ‘Doug Ford’, and why should we have heard of this asshole,” began the editorial, before outlining an utter lack of familiarity or interest in the largely-unpopular premier of Canada’s largest province.
“We tried to google him, but all that came up were pictures of what looked like a grinning blond mob enforcer from a 30’s gangster movie. Why should we have any goddamn idea who this yahoo is,” continued the internationally-circulated newspaper that has won 69 Pulitzer Prizes.
“Or did you ever see the weird Super Mario Bros movie? He kind of looked like Dennis Hopper in that, except less likeable and wider. Seriously, what the fuck,” added the Washington Post’s editorial board.
While Premier Ford’s latest lockdown measures have drawn fire for being simultaneously draconian and ineffectual in the face of COVID spread, the Washington Post editorial mainly focused on the man’s utter lack of profile outside of Ontario.
“Look, you get that we’re a real, actual factual newspaper, right? Our motto is ‘Democracy Dies In Darkness’, not ‘All Yokels Welcome’. We write about important politicians, like presidents and heads of state and shit. We don’t have time for some dipshit governor who’s fucking up a pandemic, even if he does kinda look like the Michelin Man if he wouldn’t shut up about the time his high school football team almost won the big championship.”
At times, the Washington Post editorial came achingly close to discerning who the fuck Doug Ford actually is, without ever actually pinning it down. “Wait, is he that Crack Mayor guy from Toronto that we used to hear about? Whatever happened to him? There’s no way they’d elect that guy twice, right?”
The Washington Post editorial went on to further emphasize how Doug Ford, both as a political figure and as a general concept, was utterly beneath them. “Two words: Woodward and motherfucking Bernstein. We report stories that bring down presidential administrations. Ever heard of the Pentagon Papers? Yeah, that was us. We don’t give a rat’s tiny ass how many people this ‘Don Fort’ guy has gotten killed, or how stupid his face looks.”
“Stop calling us.”
At press time, Doug Ford was clipping the editorial out of the Washington Post to commemorate that time an American newspaper mentioned him.