WINNIPEG – Amanda Santos, a Senior Associate Consultant from downtown Winnipeg apologized during a meeting last week, then when she realized she apologized, she apologized again.
Santos had this to say about the event: “Um, so this might sound stupid, or whatever, but yeah, I pitched an idea that was, I guess, not the best and then I felt bad for wasting everyone’s time and said sorry.”
Santos mentioned she had tried to use techniques to avoid apologizing so much in the workplace. “I read that you’re supposed to be like, “thanks for waiting” instead of saying, “sorry I’m late”. So when I realized I apologized in the meeting, I said sorry again, you know, for bringing feminism back like, 12 thousand years.” Santos then groaned for a long time and apologized for telling the story that we reached out to her for.
Dr. Ann Mackie, a psychologist studying the behaviour of 21st century women at the University of Winnipeg mentioned the need to apologize in women starts at a young age. “As children, boys are praised for showing confidence,” Dr. Mackie informed us, “While girls are praised for being meek, or demure. Does that make sense? Ugh, sorry, I had a long day – oh fuck, I just apologized again. Sorry. FUCK.”
Logan Cummings, a senior associate who’s making more money than Santos despite only being at the company for 6 months, witnessed the apology. “Oh yeah, she seemed off that morning when I told her that her makeup made her look like a hooker,” Logan reported. “That was the meeting I farted really loud and everyone thought it was hilarious. Then I pitched some random idea I had just come up with and everyone applauded me.”
A source has informed us that Cummings’ idea was simply Santos’ same idea that he just said louder.
Dr. Mackie noted on Santos’ extreme case: “not only is she a woman, but she was born and raised in Canada. That’s a double whammy and she may be a lost cause.”
At press time, Santos was stuck in an apology loop, just saying, “sorry, oops! Sorry! Wait, ugh, sorry. Oh, come on! Sorry —“ over and over again until she tuckered herself out and slept in a ball on a tiny ottoman so as not to take up too much space.