by Joe Weitzmann
Madame First Lady — Dr. Jill— kiddo: a bit of advice on what may seem like a small but I think is a not unimportant matter. Drop the “Biden.”
Take it from me, a white man old enough to call a 69-year-old woman “kiddo” – I know what I am talking about. I only have a B.A. in absentia from Ryerson University – in absentia because Ryerson wasn’t a university back then. I also have an honorary doctorate from Trump University, which I think speaks for itself.
Getting the name Biden was once an arduous proceeding: one had to pass examinations in two languages, one of them U.S. English, the other U.K. English. At Columbia University of an earlier day, a secretary sat outside the room whilst these Bidening examinations were administered, because that is obviously a woman’s natural place.
In our sadly postmodern times, the prestige of the name Biden has declined even further. Such names were once reserved exclusively for white men, their sons, and their sons’ sons. Then white women entered the lists, usually in the hope that they would donate all of their time and energy to supporting the male Bidens.
In the United States, recent recipients of the name Biden have included social worker and activist Ashley Biden, and German Shepherds Champ and Major Biden. I sent a complaining email to the United States Census Bureau about the low quality of such Biden name honorees, with the result that nobody gave a damn about my shitty opinions so I wrote this op-ed instead.
Social progression has put paid to any true honour wearing the name Biden may once have possessed. So forget the small thrill of bearing the name of an incredibly average old white man, and settle for the larger thrill of potentially making a difference in millions of people’s lives as First Lady Dr. Motherfucking Jill.