TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they will now start delivering that disgusting, shrivelled up piece of pizza that these customers have been ordering for years.
“If there is one thing customers associate with Pizza Pizza it’s people getting into fights in line. But if there is a second thing it’s making terrible food choices that they never would have made sober,” said company rep Paula Gwyn. “Well now that we’ll deliver this husk of cheesy cardboard right to your door you can have that feeling again.”
“For an extra 2 dollars we’ll even throw in fries that are so cold and hard you’ll have to suck them like a freezie,” she added.
Since the pandemic started Pizza Pizza has had to throw away tons of slices that just barely meet the legal definition of pizza. But now for just $4.00 plus a 15 dollar delivery fee those slices could be filling your belly, alongside that warm feeling of regret you enjoyed after every night out in your twenties.
“We were a bit worried that a single slice featuring curled up pepperoni and what we can only hope is a mushroom wouldn’t appeal to customers since they’d be home alone. But once we saw the numbers on how many people are spending the pandemic drinking alone, we knew there’d be a strong market,” said Gwyn.
In related news the McDonald’s app will now give customers the option to order the same thing they did last time they were high, so they won’t have to go to the trouble of manually ordering 60 mcnuggets and one small Fanta.