COBURG, ON – With the end of Tim Hortons Smile Cookie Week approaching, one cookie in particular cried out for the sweet release of death after being drawn quickly by an employee during the lunch rush.
“I was birthed into this world shrouded by pain and the flickering fluorescent lighting of this Tims off the highway,” screamed the little misshapen lump of butter and sugar. “‘Tis more merciful to chuck my horrifying visage into the bin than to trot me out for all to see.”
The Smile Cookie began whimpering curses under its breath against its creator, 17 year-old Tyler Hannigan. The young man had just returned from a smoke break and was tasked with anthropomorphizing a dozen chocolate chip cookies.
“Oh why have you forsaken me, father? I demand that you look upon your creation and feel shame. Does this gash that runs across my face resemble a smile in the slightest? Nay!” the heinous cookie cried out. “All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things!”
When asked what frightened the Smile Cookie most, it replied that it feared the cruelty of the public above all else.
“They shall acquire me and mock me on social media, but they forget that 100% of my proceeds benefit local charities. I ask now: who is truly the monster, and who is the cookie?”
Before being put out on display, the abominable cookie pleaded with its creator to make it a companion equally as repugnant so that it could enjoy matrimony during its final hours.