Orlando, FL – Disney’s Splash Mountain has lost its official designation of the 4th most racist mountain in America after the company unveiled plans to re-theme the attraction this week.
“From our perspective, this is a huge loss for Disney,” said Hersh Clemens, editor of the magazine who publishes the list, Hateful Geologist Monthly. “Our readers love two things: racism and mountains. Certainly you could argue that Disney still has several “mountain” attractions, and sure, there’s broad stereotyping in it’s a small world, but it’s simply not enough.”
Splash Mountain debuted on the list of America’s most racist mountains thanks to its IP source Song of the South, a 1946 film that asks “what if slaves liked being slaves?” The ride opened 43 years later in 1989, after Imagineers were dared to build a ride based on the oldest and most problematic thing they could find in the Disney Vault.
“It was a huge boon for American racists,” said Clemens. “There’s only so many times you can go to our ‘Top 3’: Stone Mountain, Mount Rushmore, and the secret mountain in the Appalachians where the KKK trains to defeat ANTIFA. We finally had media representation – a place where you could take your kids, cover them with stinky water, and teach them the 14 words. That’s gone now.”
Splash Mountain’s coveted number 4 position on the list will be taken over by Washington’s Mt. Rainier, a stratovolcano previously thought to be progressive until tapes emerged of it in blackface on a lost episode of Frasier.
While Disney may have fallen out of favour amongst prejudiced fans of mountains, many hatemongers argue that Disney’s status as a premier racist tourist destination is redeemable even without Splash Mountain. Some cite the questionable accents of the birds in The Enchanted Tiki Room, while others flash their family photos in front of Main Street’s Cigar Store Indian. And of course, Donald Trump’s presence in The Hall of Presidents remains a huge draw for park visitors who hate having fun almost as much as they hate other races.
But for Clemens, it’s not enough.
“Disney will never see another dime of my money,” said Clemens. “To them, I say: good luck finding another sucker to buy a 3-day Park Hopper pass every 5 years. I’m all about the minions now.”
